Up and down. The rise and fall of your chest underneath the warmth of my cheek, like the love we once shared. We rose, we fell. We fell for a love we least expected, a love that had a brighter tomorrow than the clouds of today.
In December, love made its way into my life when I least expected it. I was close-minded, independent, and focused on achieving my personal and professional goals. I had a plan in place that I was going to follow and falling in love didn’t fit in that picture.
He asked me out and we went on our first of many coffee dates. I hadn’t been on a real date in years, having closed myself off after a painful past with my ex. I felt uneasy, awkward, and confused. I told myself I wouldn’t go on another date with him because I couldn’t risk getting involved. He was genuine, he was authentic, and I knew if I fell, it was going to be real. As we began to talk more and more every day, something changed and I began to think of Ukraine. Walk into love, walk into love, walk into love. I thought of the promise I made myself when I left: I was going to live my life according to this motto. I was going to make love my purpose.
And so that’s what I did. I made love my purpose and I fell. I fell so hard. I opened myself up to the idea of commitment, letting go of the fear of repeating my past and not following my plan. I allowed myself to laugh, to smile, and to love. I let go and saw a side of myself I hadn’t seen in years. It felt right. Being with him, my soul felt at ease.
The thing about love is that it can make you the happiest and saddest person in the blink of an eye. When I least expected it, the signs of heartbreak began to sneak in and oh, heartbreak hit me like a speeding truck. I was crushed under the pain and weight of what we both said wouldn’t happen. What had just started already ended.
I write this with a broken, yet strong heart that’s moving forward. I thought I let go of my plan by allowing him into my life, but I was wrong. I let go the night we said goodbye. I stopped running. I stopped planning the next “big thing”. I allowed myself to start anew.
The heartbreak I experienced is allowing me to become the person I want to be. With each day that passes, I wake up with more clarity. I start my day with prayer and worship music, I use my pain to write and share my story with others, I am more present as a teacher and educator, I prioritize treating my body as a temple by eating healthy, practicing yoga, and running, I nurture other relationships, I’m learning Ukrainian and the guitar, and I’m exploring different career options that will advance me personally and professionally. Most importantly, I’m living with love as my purpose in more ways than before.
If you’re in the same position, I feel you so deeply. Heartbreak sucks. It feels like there’s no way in the world you can move forward, but moving forward is the only thing you can do to heal and be a better version of yourself. Use the pain, the tears, and the heaviness to push you to be the person you want to be. When I feel myself longing for him, and believe me every part of my being is still wishing I could go back, I instead focus on something that will help me move forward like calling a friend, running, or praying. Maybe you want to text him because you want to hold onto the hope of a future relationship with him, but you can’t let yourself think like that. For if you allow yourself to live in the light of a past love, you’ll never be able to live presently with love as your purpose. Remember, if it’s meant to be, God will guide you there.
For now, it’s time to let go, breathe, have faith, and keep smiling. When you don’t feel like it, smile more. Someone is watching. Someone is healing. Someone is falling in love. Someone is seeing God in you. Someone is happy and by God, that’s a beautiful thing.
You can and you will get through this.